Light Rays: Surviving Life After the Loss of a Sibling

I “lost” my brother nearly three years ago. He was part of my core, my bedrock since the day I was born until I was 34.

It’s hard to put to words or to quantify the value of sibling relationships. Because they are generally a peer within ten years or so of your own age, one never expects to lose a sibling at a young age or before you lose your elders such as parents or grandparents.

A sibling grows and develops with essentially the same world view as you, therefore the relationship is unique and special. Siblings are built with unbreakable bonds of shared parents and child-hood experiences. The household culture including family philosophy, humor, secrets and other traditions such as religion and food are sacred to one's definition of self.  "Blood is thicker than water" as are  the genetic sequences inherited from parents which all biological siblings equally share.

There are countless ways in which a sibling loss is devastating for the surviving sibling(s). For me, the hardest part of my initial stages of grief were seemingly selfish. I kept wondering, “How am I supposed to go on without Ray?”

I felt a pendulum swing of emotions from sadness for my mother an intense longing to hear his voice (I still wish for this each and every day, as a matter of fact), anger with God for taking him all too early, doubt that God even existed and on rare occasions, relief that perhaps he is in a better place after all.

I felt tremendous guilt for living far away and for not being able to reach him by phone the day before he died (due to poor cellular reception from where I was). One of the harshest burdens I endured was about re-defining myself and learning how to walk again without Ray.

My brother was always a part of the psyche of me. He had been since the day I was born, the day our dad died and he was supposed to be with along with me in this journey of life for 80 years or so. At some points in our life we were much closer than others, but our love, trust and respect for one another was never questioned. Sibling relationships do require maintenance work, as do all relationships, but they are rarely ever at risk of disintegration.

A part of me died when Ray passed onward. I woke up in terror many nights reaching out to hug him and to hear his voice. I was also terrified of time passing and growing older. How was I to continue my life’s journey without Ray? Even more terrifying, who will I be or how will I define myself when my Mom inevitably passes? Absent other siblings, absent a sister-in-law and absent nephews and nieces, I felt devastatingly alone. I frantically reached out to other family and my husband’s family in search for a new “tribe”.

This can sound selfish when everyone around is saying, “What about the surviving parent?” Yes, my Mom’s loss is devastating and tragic beyond words and that subject is a whole other book that I could write.

But, a parent loss should not be measured as greater than a sibling loss and should not diminish the surviving sibling(s) feelings.

Oftentimes surviving siblings stay quiet as they don’t want to be seen as selfish during the initial stages of grief. I write this with the intention of helping others heal, as it’s my responsibility now that I am finally on the mend to healing. I will never stop loving or missing Ray, but I will find a way to see my blessings and to go on living life filled with my mom, husband, children, family, and friends’ love; it’s what Ray would have wanted.

If you are a surviving sibling, please share your feelings with someone. If you know a someone who recently lost a sibling, don’t just ask about the deceased person’s surviving parents, wife and/or children, ask the sibling how they are doing.

I entered this world 892 days after you                                                        

You embraced me with such pure joy and love

My big brother, my only sibling, my trusted confidant                               

There is no other

Not very big on words, you were my sounding board, my interpreter                

My other half

We spent hour upon hour playing, fighting, laughing and exploring        

With you, my world was complete

Permanently intertwined by shared experiences             

You became me, and I, you

Tragedy and heartbreak befell us an early age  

The bond we shared strengthened evermore

Though I transformed from my child ways      

You always knew me at my core

Though I traveled great distances and challenged traditions of our past         

Your voice was always the center of gravity

You always honored my choices and trusted my intention 

Words spoken when you walked me down the aisle and when my first child was born, I will never forget

Forever proud to have you as my big brother       

I could not wait for you to move past the speed bumps 

I anticipated the day you and I would share our family stories with spouses        

I dreamt about our children as cousins, building snow igloos and going on camping adventures 

This will never be       

How is it that I’m left in a world without you?

Time stopped the day I got the call

I don’t bother counting anymore

What difference does it make

How many more days must I bear until I become whole, again?