The Presidents of the United States of America or Steve Brady for President?

Cartoonists Steve Brady’s work expresses ideas with clarity and an exacting edge; some would say. 

Others may express concerns if his work be the true ‘lungs’ of substantial political insight this election cycle. 

Yet another branch of Woodburians would say Dan Riley is more like a mosquito bite that causes a welt for several weeks; which is a nuisance to all of those except the few that take pleasure from finding a tried and true itch that they can willingly claw at – not allowing the pustule to heal.

By the way, speaking of wind-bags, like the lungs, and myself… you take about 500 million breaths in a life time. Can you imagine how long we’d live if we had a breath for every dollar of deficit spending? A man in MN would then have an average life expectancy of 1,000,000 years! But that isn’t funny.

Can you imagine being here since the evolution of the Neanderthals and having to put up with THEIR planned disbursement ideas. “hey Glonk, we borrow fire from da Sapiens, to buy more fire.” “heh, yah, Tronk, and den we give away borrowed fire to stimulate tribe to borrow more fire.” “ heh, heh, we smart Glonk... we sure smart!” But lest I forget, it is considered insensitive to tease Neanderthals these past 30,000 years.

BOY O’BOY, THEY ARE SO FUNNY!

Those comedians, on cable TV, know all the nuts & bolts of the comedy — well aware of hypocrisy, idiosyncrasies and irony in the political circuit. That is what made Seinfeld funny to so many. He could find the silly things we ALL do and get us to laugh at ourselves. Unfortunately; some of these lesser modern comediennes eventually become disjointed & delusional to the point that they fancy themselves, rather, experts in Keynes / Hayek / Friedman economic philosophies and are privy to alllllll the pros and cons of the free market vs. a centralized government economy.

Oftentimes, the cable comedian that started out in pubs with a puppet act may NOT be the one to ask if the depression was a failure of the free-enterprise system, or the tragic failure of government. And THAT’S the funny part. That some think they ARE?!?

I mean, in high-school, did you ask the vainglorious Smilodon that was always combing his hair, checking his teeth, and driving in his mom's BMW; whether to put the $50 you got from confirmation in bonds, gold, or stocks? But now we see many 25 year olds saying that they get their current events from Comedy Network. That is an idiosyncratic item for this generation that a Seinfeld would have had fun with.

The Jokes We've Already Heard

Yet somehow, most of what some “comics” come away with, politically, are talking point from John Kerry some 120 months back that amounts to saying some guy from Texas is to blame for the deficit and lied about… something; that they can't quite recall, but let's just leave it there [that THAT side tells lies and the lying liar who tells the lies are liars too — or so says our junior senator]! Well, up in Woodbury, we tell the truth, so here goes.

Since many comedians should be aware that our nation’s all time highest federal revenues / taxes collected [$2.6 Trillion] occurred in 2007 under that one dumb guy; WELL… they should be ripe with some compare and contrast irony on our main stream media one liners. And even with our involvement in Iraq and Afghanistan through 2008  [which seems sensible to blame a deficit on] annual '01-'08 deficits ranged from “only” $160 billion to $458 billion back then. Compare that to the 2009 federal budget deficit of $1.4 trillion. I mean, THIS is what comedy is all about: cleverly pointing out the altruisms that are, indeed, perhaps absurd.

But, you must know your audience as a comic and it is more PC today to tease the nerdy guy that says, "Fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again" rather than go after the minority that slipped and commented about having visited all of our 57 states. We all make mistakes and comedians are there to roast us about it. And we laugh at ourselves if we are noble OR get defensive and rigid if we are not.

Every Good Comedian is Self Deprecating First…

AND, since BOTH sides have been spending like drunken sailors, we should be ridiculing almost everyone [including ourselves]. Isn’t the most tragic and / or comedic irony in how many of us, the electorate, handled our own budgets back when credit was free and easy?

How many folks you know, 12 years ago, that suddenly owned 5 credit cards, 2 laptops, had 2 mortgage payments, 3 cars, a cabin, boat, 3 jet skis, 2 snowmobiles, and were looking for a larger house since the 4 bedroom “shack” behind Tanner’s Lake just wasn’t large enough for their 3 children any longer and moved to Wayzata? And how many folks worked 60 hours a week, times two, when money was great; instead of accepting one income and raising their children, while reasoning that, “you just can’t raise children on a mere $60,000 annual salary!”

Maybe we should be roasting ourselves? I'm sure if a depression era retiree heard our current complaints about what we call poor and what we need to "get by", that they'd get a chuckle and fall off their chair.

Did we ever tell our representative, "hey, take that bacon right back to Washington. We are strong enough to go it alone!" More idiosncrasies of our generation. Cut the fat, but not MY fat. We should be able to laugh at ourselves because it is ironic isn't it, that more federal aid is given to a higher percent of people than ever before in our nation's history, and yet compare us to what folks had in the 1800s and early 1900s. There may be some comedy there somewhere to flesh out?

THOSE DOGGON RICH — PAY YOUR "FAIR SHARE"

Class warfare and demonizing the rich. Another funny one could be the opportunity to juxtapose the top 1/4th paying their "fair share". The IRS has the top 25% paying 88% of all federal taxes while earning 66% of the nation's wealth. Might be room for a joke or two in there somewhere? Maybe put the numbers upside down and see if THAT is humorous. 75% of our nation pays only 12% of the taxes while earning a whopping 34% of all the money out there! That's it, light the torches and march on Washington! But no, the audience is in the 3/4 not the 1/4. Irony.

Just two election cycles ago, we had the richest man in The House or Senate running as the common man opposing the rich — but it was acceptable back then, since THAT candidate received his money from a wealthy wife [as opposed to growing business through the American dream]. I mean, isn’t this fodder for a comic? But, just as in the 60’s when a Don Rickles would tease religious and racial minorities such as himself; yet today, that is not PC -- in 50 years, perhaps we'll find our current jokes pedestrian as well.

Dante’s Divine Comedy (1308)

In our day and age, it is ok to tease the risk takers and the business owner; inebriating away some Victorian opus where all those earning more than you and I are silver spooners born into wealth and privilege; wearing stove pipe hats and eating each night at Forpaugh's -- telling the rank and file to "eat cake". Maybe in 50 years, we will realize that they… are the ones that did take some risks to start a business, create some jobs; and indeed, they do NOT have sole ownership to the 4th circle of hell [greed]; while I’m fairly certain the 9th circle of hell IS still reserved for the sowers of discord. Yes, we all have temptation within to be greedy as most have hectored the accountant to "find me a big return." Blessed are those than can laugh at themselves, as they shall be forever amused.

Of course, numbers [and even planes of hell] can be spun to meet most any need. And if you are convinced that the OTHER guy is to blame, then we can all find just the right bar graph with a scale of 1/10th of a percent to show SIGNIFICANT growth or slumping failure. BUT, there should be plenty of jokes, irony, and wit to go around. We need the two sides struggling. This represents the struggle within every human to find truth. We laugh because life is a paradox, a comedy, and a mystery wrapped within an enigma. Like politics, it is never black and white and sometimes all you can do is smile, exhale, and say, "God, I trust you have a plan, because THIS is crazy!"

Are you getting ‘twitchy’…?

Oh sure, there’s nothing wrong with getting Woodbury folks a little ‘twitchy’ with cartoons and commentary; but does anyone really like [or believe] the smarmy Bill Maher type that just spouts sophomoric cliché after cliché. Perhaps. Maybe the 17 year old freckled HBO freshman believes it all, and then when shown a picture of President Obama by Jay Leno she surmises, “that’s Chris Rock!” As for conservative comedians, turned politician, Dennis Miller comes to mind, and inasmuch as he is equally partisan, I have never heard him tell a guest that he disagreed with that they were "all F***ed up" because they didn't agree with the Libya scenario that President Obama had laid out. Talking about politics, "Some say they don't understand why somebody drifts. But I've always found people who drift interesting, because it shows me the game's not stagnant in their own head. They're thinking" is more Miller's style.

Well, anyhow… I thought Woodbury could sure use a rookie artist and comedian to round things out and give Mr. Brady a little friendly competition.  So, I paid my 11 year old $2.00 to come up with some cartoon idea to join to the hip with my idea. Afterwards, my other children opined that it wasn't fair that the eldest son should get $2 and that they too should get paid, even though they were watching cartoons. More fodder?

Like Brady, I too am a Washington County resident, a tax payer. Hit by this economy, our family temporarily relocated - following the work.  Currently, I owe Washington County library about $8.00 [at least] for late return of books. And those fat-cats in Central Park, Wash County are probably adding interest and sticking it to those poor in books!

No Spin…Act Brave

I’ll never be able to outsmart the spin doctors or take devilish delight in ‘stretching truths’, but nothing wrong about being a bit impish right? So, I’m going in like the red haired colleen in ‘Brave’. I dug up jokes… perhaps not all that original, but all truthful depictions of political leaders in history.  Instead of ripping one side, I’ve decided to rip on all or most of the Presidents and some Senators.  Does this raise me to a higher moral standard than Bill Maher? Well; perhaps up to the 8th circle of hell [for the fraudulent] as I am clearly not ready to take my standup act on the road… YET! But, if you tune in to Maher, about the only thing funny is that HBO encourages him to be so profane and angry.

I hope that even the most avid presidential buffs will find what I dug up on the Presidents informative and entertaining.  You’ll find that the Presidents were anything but dull -- and most were dangerously enlightening.

 GEORGE WASHINGTON    1st President   1790-1797

Young George Washington probably did not chop down his father’s cherry tree.  And he probably did not admit it by saying, “I cannot tell a lie”.

But many people repeat that story because it shows Washington’s honesty.  Little Suzy once asked her mother, “Do people who never tell lies go to heaven?”  “Yes,” her mother answered.  “They are the only ones”. 

“Gosh, I bet it’s lonesome up there with just God and George Washington”, said Suzy.

MARTIN VAN BUREN    8th President   1837-1841

John Van Buren, son of President Martin Van Buren, made up this famous line about cheating at the election:  “Vote early – and vote often”.

JOHN TYLER    10th President   1841-1845

President John Tyler was a very good politician.  He knew when to speak and when to keep quiet.  He also knew how to say exactly the right thing.  One time a reporter asked him, “Do you want Texas to become part of the United States”.  Tyler answered, “Half of my friends are for it.  Half are against it.  And I stand with my friends!”

ABRAHAM LINCOLN   16th President   1861-1865

President Lincoln knew that people don’t always see their own faults.  He told about a farmer he knew.   The farmer said, “I’m not greedy.  All I want is the land next to mine”. 

PRESIDENT GROVER CLEVELAND   22nd President   1885-1889      24th President 1893-1897

President Cleveland was always fighting with the Senate.  But he got along very well with the House of Representatives.

One night when he was fast asleep, Mrs. Cleveland shook him awake.  “There are thieves in the house,” she whispered.  “No, my dear,” the president answered.  “Thieves in the Senate, maybe.  But not in the House”.

THEODORE ROOSEVELT    26th President – 1901-1909

President Theodore Roosevelt was always seeking adventure and excitement.  A visitor once said that she hoped that the president would not get the country into war. The president jumped up, saying, “What?  Have a war with me cooped up here in the White House?  Never!”

WILLIAM TAFT     27th President   1909-1913

At 330 pounds, William Howard Taft weighed more than any other president.  Before being elected president, Taft was the governor general of the Philippines.  He sent his reports to Elihu Root, Secretary of War.  At the end of one report Taft wrote, “Took a long horseback ride today.  Feel fine.” 

Root wired back, “How’s the horse?”

WARREN G. HARDING   29th President   1921-1923

The famous lawyer Clarence Darrow did not like President Warren Harding.  As Darrow put it, “When I was a boy, I was told that anyone could be president.  Now I’m beginning to believe it.”

CALVIN COOLIDGE   30th President 1923-1929

President Coolidge asked a famous minister to eat at the White House before giving his sermon.  The minister came, but refused all the food.  He said that he could think better on an empty stomach.  President Coolidge and his wife then went to hear the dour sermon.  At the end, he turned to Mrs. Coolidge, “He might as well have eaten”.

HARRY TRUMAN   33rd   President   1945-1953

As he was stumping the country for votes, Mr. Truman saw a boy playing in front of a house.  “Is your mother home?  Truman asked.   “Yes”, the boy answered without looking up.  Truman knocked on the door. But no one answered.  “I thought you said your mother was home”, Truman called out to the youngster.  “She is.  But we live across the street”.

JOHN F. KENNEDY    35th   President  1961-1963

John Kennedy’s father was very, very rich.  This led to rumors that he was going to give people money to vote for his son.  Kennedy joked, “I just got a letter from my father.  He says, ‘Don’t buy one more vote than you need.  I’m not going to pay for a landslide.’ ”

LYNDON B.JOHNSON    36th   President   1963-1969

President Johnson was given a long, flowery introduction before giving a speech in Michigan.  When the president rose to speak, he said, “I wish my parents were here to hear that introduction.  My father would have enjoyed it.  And my mother would have believed it”.

RICHARD M. NIXON   37th   President 1969-1974

President Nixon didn’t always get along with Congress.  He once said, “Congress makes so many cuts that if they had to vote on the Ten Commandments only eight would pass”.

GERALD R. FORD   38th   President   1974-1977

While he was president, Ford decided to remove the White House swimming pool.  He later said, “You don’t need a pool in the White House to get in deep water”.

JIMMY CARTER   39th   President   1977-1981

Carter complained that the White House reporters sometimes acted like children.  At one news conference, he said, “I’m not going to say anything very important tonight.  So you can all put your crayons away”.

RONALD REAGAN    40th   President 1981-1989

Many people complained that President Reagan took actions that went over the heads of Congress.  His answer was, “So what?  Lots of things go over their heads”.

BILL CLINTON       42nd   President 1993-2001

Hillary Clinton spent lots of time on many different projects while her husband was President.  One day, the Clintons’ daughter, Chelsea, got sick in school.  “I’ll call your mother to take you home,” said the nurse.  “Don’t do that,” Chelsea replied.  “My mother is too busy.   Call my father!”

GEORGE W. BUSH        43rd   President   2001-2009

At one meeting, President Bush was confronted with whether he was staying true to fiscal conservative values. He replied, "I've abandoned free market principles to save the free market system." Or speaking to a graduating class, “To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done… And to the C students, I say, you too, can be president of the United States.”

BARACK OBAMA   44th   President   2009 –

Once when Barack Obama was being interviewed on TV before his election, he said there was too much talk of money in the elections; from which he promptly excused himself because he explained he was late for a fund-raiser. On another occasion as President Obama attempted to make the case for government-run healthcare, he used this comparison, "UPS and FedEx are doing just fine, right? It's the Post Office that's always having problems."

Mitt Romney   Presidential Candidate –

At the annual comedy / charity Alfred E. Smith Dinner, Romney lamented the absence of Joe Biden because, “THAT guy will laugh at anything.” Or when reflecting upon St. Peter from whom Jesus proclaimed, “upon this rock I will build my church” Romney commented that perhaps some skeptics of Peter may have commented 2,000 years back, “you think YOU got a church, YOU didn’t build that."