Those Teenagers!

I think I went in this government building looking to learn how to change a diaper. 

I was pregnant with two tiny tots and before they begin to run, jump, eat, breath, speak… The daring duo were probably going to need a mom & dad who would be able to change their diapers. I did not know much but I did expect the tots to be stars in the construction of enzymes and gut bacterium, busily extracting nutrients and stuff they no longer needed. Diapers were on my mind, the summer of 2001.

Where do you go?  Out of the 130 million new babies born each year, the circle of friends in my world no longer had diaper-changing babies. Or, they were waiting for life’s greatest trick to happen to them again in the near future. So I headed to South Washington County Community Education in Cottage Grove.

But soon I lost interest in diaper changing for those two unimaginable small cells growing; I ceased worrying about my uterus expanding 500 times its original size. The wailing, feeding, sleeping and pooping machine worries went right out the door…Ah, until later…

I found instead a class just as interesting to me.  11 years later, I still have close by, the hand-out from that class.  The topic was about ‘Raising Assertive Girls and Empathetic Sons’.  The course was facilitated by Dr. Michael Obsatz, Professor Emeritus from Macalester College.

Not only was the hand-out a great list of traits that Boys and Girls needed, it served as a reminder to me, what we all desire and need for healthy bodies and minds, regardless of age.  Time well spent at the District offices of Community Ed in Cottage Grove for me.

Of course, when I visit schools nowadays in the lower / upper elementary; I find that we have an abundance of Assertive Girls and a plethora of Apathetic Boys. Perhaps the knee jerk reaction of academia in the 80-90s culture is part to blame for fewer and fewer boys taking the path to college.

In a recent book, The War Against Boys: How Misguided Feminism Is Harming Our Young Men, author Christina Hoff Sommers takes a much different approach to how we have turned many boys into overly empathetic and/or needy pantywaists.

“Despite popular belief, American boys tag behind girls in reading and writing ability, and they are less likely to go to college. Our young men are greatly at risk, yet the best-known studies and experts insist that it's girls who are in need of our attention. The highly publicized "girl crisis" has led to many changes in American schools, politics, and parenting...but at what cost?”

Well I have the best of both worlds at home it seems. One boy that wants to put an arrow into every moving target of his imagination; and one that gets very worried if even an imaginary Pokemon were to get even a scrape of the knee. As for the daughter; she would put Donald Trump to shame in her desire to save, prosper and expand her capital.

COMPLEX ORGANISMS – THAT MAKE UP YOU!

Around mid-year, it is interesting to observe children in school, middle and high school in particular - they need a fresh approach to help embrace their challenges. 

They are stressed and worried about home life and school life.  They are puzzled, frustrated, overwhelmed.  Communicating with parents and teachers is a chore.  Some feel unskilled and too poor to consider, what are their dreams.  Some feel not assertive enough, not driven enough, or, they are afraid of failing. Then, there are the many sensation-seeking teens who strive for the unusual or unexpected – the adolescent who gives more weight to the pleasures than to the costs of reckless behaviors.

PRESSURE IS INEVITABLE

The extracurricular activities available to teens today, on top of school, exceed those available at any time in the past.  The pressure to be involved in activities – comes from parents, peers, media, society and most importantly, the teens themselves.  They are expected to play sports, dance, join clubs, practice Kung Fu, and take music lessons – while performing well academically.  How about the expectation to look, dress and act a certain way - what the in-crowd demographic deems attractive.

DO THEY ACT NORMAL? 

How do you fuel some imaginations and turn that into positive bold action when teens already feel like their entire lives are under a microscope – when all they want to do is skateboard down stairways or go on risky ventures with their mates.  How do you relate, teach responsibility and independence, and keep dialog open without them withdrawing. Or, dealing with girls feeling the pressure of perfection and success in today’s world. Often, we parents and teens react in ways that defy explanation, when things get tough.

What an awesome responsibility it is, for both teachers & parents to teach children that they do have an inner wisdom that can guide them toward the best possible decision in every part of their lives. 

We often brush aside our child; assuming they are acting like any other moody teenager, when they are actually internalizing/exposing their stress. 

They do have wisdom, AND they do understand dangers, but they weigh risk versus reward differently than adults. For many teenagers, the risk rewarded them with something. If we believe the science of teenage brains & scans done over the past 10 years, the art of making wise decisions and sensible choices may take them a lot longer than we first knew. How about their mid 20’s?!

MATURATION

Brain scans show that our brains undergo a massive reorganization between our 12th and 25th year.  The brain is 90% of its full size by the time your child in 6 years old.  As they move through adolescence, the brain undergoes extensive remodeling, resembling a network and wiring upgrade.  No wonder we had such a difficult time growing up ourselves – Do you remember balancing impulses, desires, obeying rules?  I remember well how my brain was clumsily trying to figure a lot out.

WHY DO THEY DO THAT!!!!!

When your teen is driving you nuts and you cannot possibly understand why the dickens the neighbors’ kids are making those foolish decisions…They are still learning to use their brain’s new networks. Their poor brain is just not done growing.   

When stress, fatigue and new challenges erupt, it can be the most trying, contrary and worrisome time for you and your child.  Like when your teen’s life depended on being invited to that party- but wasn’t. Being hunted by wild wolves would have been more of a welcome that the social exclusion from that party. Whereas as adults, we feel, “well, who would want to go to that aould ruckus anyhow!”

For parents it is flat-out scary when teens act like their brains are all knowing... at the ripe age of 14!  From about 15 years old to 25 risky decisions peak with some ugly outcomes – drugs and alcohol, sex, crime and driving.  Some teens are dying because of some experiments – like drinking and driving, meth., and risky sexual behavior.

LIVING IN A WORLD MADE BY PARENTS, BUT INFLUENCED BY PEERS

Studies show that when parents engage and guide their children with a light but steady hand, staying connected but allowing independence, their children generally do much better in life.  Children want to learn from friends and not necessarily from parental authority, but often children are learning from parent’s own struggles and how they deal with problems.

This can be a difficult juggle because children are trying to understand their families’ world; and, they have to also learn about the adolescent world they are just entering.  (Aren’t we all still struggling…?)  Not easy for parents too when you are busy providing for your family and job… and you are then blessed with moody teens whose hormones are reorganizing the body & mind as it matures into an adult – causing overreactions…and more.

ACKNOWLEDGE THE MOOD AND LET THE TEEN KNOW IT’S OK TO SHOW FRUSTRATIONS TO PARENTS

We parents do stumble as we try to walk that blurry line between helping and hindering our children as they adapt to growing up.  No matter how difficult this is to endure, I find myself sometimes welcoming the mistakes and missteps made by preteens and adolescents. 

Learning the pain of failure, and experiencing the pain, they may remember, later, a few things worth knowing.  They need to master challenges and new environments, learn to negotiate, ask for chances, to be forgiven and to be allowed to grow – while they still live with us.  Imagine them failing as a tax cheat as an adult, unable to handle money woes.  I don’t care to be 89 on my deathbed and knowing my child is still struggling with ethics, causing crimes against society and being obnoxious.   

AN UPSIDE TO GETTING A BUZZ & TAKING RISKS

While teen brains are slowly maturing, they are also known to be adaptable. And if teens really do love risk and getting a buzz out of life (the desire for big buzz begins at 10 years old and peaks at 15) you might plan it (instead of your teen seeking it in the back ally). A thrill seeking event occasionally – a trip somewhere, skydiving, state fair bungee diving.  Go out back and build a shed or a dog house together, teach them archery at Lake Elmo Park Reserve – very controlled buzzes…  A competitive soccer or football game - you can’t deny the big buzz when you've missed two easy goals in hockey or fought back to tie the game from two goals down.

Their desire to have new and exciting things is also a very positive attribute – they are more inclined to reach out and confidently make wise choices for friends which lead to healthier, happier, safer lives.  Their interest and confidence in novelty and risk taking, also prepares them to leave the nest successfully – the science calls this a crucial period of learning.  They are learning positively while their brain’s wiring is being upgraded.

WALT

Walt Disney said something about experiencing pain as a teenager is a must, and experiencing a personal tragedy before you are 30 years old is necessary.  He says that the adversity, trouble and obstacles he had endured, strengthened him.  He did not realize it when it happened, but that kick in the teeth may have been the best thing in the world.

SEAT OF EMOTION

As you know, every highway, every road we take will dip into the valley now and then.  Nobody escapes, everyone must go through the tunnel of tribulation before we can travel on the high road.

ENGAGING IN GOOD DEBATES

If your child loves to argue with you - take heart - your teen may be less likely to succumb to peer pressure about drinking and drug use, say researchers from the U of Virginia. "Adolescents have to learn to hold their own in disagreements, says study author. Foster this autonomy by engaing in debates rather than sidestepping disagreements- and by refusing to be persuaded by anything but a stellar argument.

What are the traits of healthy femininity and masculinity?   Washington County Community Education Center was a good start…for me personally.