Dads Obsolete?

The feelings experienced by men when their children leave for college are different to those felt by women, but that doesn’t mean the pain is any less intense.

When kids grow up and go to off to work or College, the hands-on father suffers and can feel abandoned.  This is the surprising downside with a heavily involved & loving father.  Dads may not feel necessarily lonesome, because they have their friends, but feel empty. And if it is a daughter, there is even more troubling emotions as a near clone to the love of their life, is now going off to be her own woman now. What do you think?

In May & June, we attended a few High School graduations.  I wept in anticipation of what parent friends, of graduates, may be going through.  And, as I imagined, seeing the tears come down parental faces, the bittersweet memories flood the mind at graduation ceremonies - both mom and dad watching their grown-up child take their first steps into the great, wide, adult world of work, or, head off to University, Technical College, military or the work force.

Couple of weeks ago, I discussed this topic with one of my close guy friend who is sending his graduate son off to college in late August.  There is sorrow, but not from what he never had or did with his son. It is more of what he has with his son - a close, fun, daily relationship.  And, now this will be missed.

In the days of old, most men went to work, and worked to provide for the family.  In many families, fathers waited until retirement to enjoy their offspring.  When illness, emigration, or death occurred, this did not always work out as anticipated.

With polite curiosity, I ask of you:  Dads! Do you feel useful, needed, wanted, empty, and sad after children leave home? 

As a father, Ray PaprockiI wrote recently, that dads cannot help feeling defensive these days.  He writes, “American men have been getting the message that we’re dispensable.  Two years ago, for the first time, women held more than half of American jobs, and the recession proved especially harsh for fields dominated by men, such as manufacturing and high finance”.  He adds, “Things are shaky on the home front, too.  Single mother-hood is increasingly common, more than half of US births to women younger than 30 occur outside marriage.  A 2010 report in the Journal of Marriage and Family even suggested that a child with two moms gets better parenting, on average, than a child with a mom and a dad”. 

The latter finding has been challenged.  They say that the report was written by two respected - but renowned family revisionist – sociologists.  Ach! News is news these days, right?

So, Fathers out there, that statement begs the question:  Do you feel obsolete?  

The late J.G. Ballard, award-winning author of Empire Of The Sun, wrote of his own empty nest: ‘But childhood has gone and in the silence one stares at the empty whiskey bottles in the pantry and wonders if any number of drinks will fill the void.’

Of course moms struggle with letting go.  Most mothers of my acquaintance talk easily of love, loss…and,  have relished over the years having the opportunity to have numerous conversations from nappies to having their growling, disgruntled, hormonal teenagers groan doing household chores - Light duties, mind you.  During some of those discussions about teen behavior, my misty-eyed view of parenthood disappears, especially when some conversations didn’t sound much different than what living with the Taliban might be like.

  But where many women have a support network of friends and family, men are often in a lonelier position. Do the men in your life open up about their true feelings on this topic?

The men in my family were not embarrassed about feeling sad when their children left home. With one heading to the USA and one to London, they clearly did not display the macho stuff, but they did let us get on with our lives. 

I know the feeling my husband will feel when our children flee the nest will be different than what I feel, but it doesn’t mean the pain is any less intense.  It might very well be an essential counterbalance to the messages our children are hearing.  When I left home, I wanted to feel confident about going, not guilty about leaving my parents.  Fathers want to appear brave when their children leave.  The message they send to the college bound child is that it is fine to take risks and to get out there and explore the world.  But, he too is looking at his young bird beginning to test the air with its untried wings, and the worries are just as intense for them as moms when the sun doesn’t shine and the wildflowers don’t bloom on our children’s path.

But do dads have the same support system as moms?

 We are all potentially lonely oldies and I have given this matter some thought.   

Instead of sadness and excoriating ourselves about our offspring, and an ongoing future imperfect - Let’s salute some of the things that we can now be doing…soon, before the near future departs us.

Haven’t you watched your wife all of those years spending hours concocting special meals for the children …or Fido, while you had to make do with something out of a tin, like Spam or a tin of Sardines.  Expect more…in everything.

Mothers and Fathers are allowed now to dance, sing, laugh loudly and wear pink high heels, dock martins at 50+ & can do so now without being vilified by the children or society.  Being sooo embarrassing is earned & worn as a badge. (The Taliban do not live in our house any longer!!!)

Euphoria: Dad’s… remember that hair style you always wanted!?  Now you can have that hair that seems like its styled by an egg beater & not be judged.

Now you have a few precious moments to yourself. You can put down one of the balls you've been keeping in the air – at least until semester break!

Your boy who used to gulp down an entire quart of milk from the carton while the refrigerator door was still open is off buying his own white stuff. You may still be sending money if he's in college, but the day will come when you are shopping only for two!

They'll be Home for the Holidays… We have autumn to look forward to and before long; you'll be buying the turkey & ham and making the apple and pecan pies. You’ll have some great times when the children are back!

Revisit those deferred goals and aspirations while you were busy bringing up the kids and driving to the sports field/arena.  Extra time for you!

That said, you’ve realized that the Middle East tyranny comes to an end.  As difficult as it is at the time, it seems the trauma of the teenagers is a transition into independent man/womanhood.  I never quite understood when some parents have said that that their children never caused them one iota of trouble.  The path of child rearing is one of sorrow and joy, suffering and healing, comfort, tears and smiles, trials and victories, conflicts and triumphs. So, treasure the tantrums and tears of the teenage years, because I suspect after lengthy times of patiently waiting -it can be awfully quiet when children leave.

Your son/daughter is now the most charming, sensible, compassionate, so full of love and laughter & really smart. The only trouble is, you think they no longer need you. But, children are for life.  Dads obsolete?  Not in your child’s eye.

 An empty nest is an opportunity to reconnect with your wife/husband and friends, establish a new relationship with your adult kids, find a new challenge/hobby/ministry or start a new chapter in the book of your life. It's the end of something, but it's a beautiful beginning, too.

Ultimately, we are born dependent on others, and we die dependent on others. What happens in between is what we cultivate and grow.

Phyllis Diller had it right… "Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home."