Cherished Moments: Anxiety Struck

The only persons opinion that matters is my own.

I noticed that many people used the month of November for giving thanks to the things in their life. A person battling any type of mental health issue is thankful for the strength to just get out of bed each day.

On that note, I am using the month of December for a time of reflection on the daily blessings. These are the daily things that I have recognized as my joy; happy moments that I cherish. Consider this my journal for this month. On my blog site www.reflectionswithrhonda.com , I wrote about my experience with Lupus and mental health issues. My psychotherapist suggested I keep a journal on the moments of joy so that feeling can be recreated.


Journal Entry: December 9, 2012

I attempted to not let the comment made from a reader bother me. I know that people are clueless when it comes to mental health issues, or may not know how serious it can affect another person. I shared with my closest friends what transpired. My bestie said, "How do you feel sharing?" I said, "Like I am healing. Maybe able to help others. Don't want to hide." More or less she was saying that the only persons opinion that matters is my own. I couldn't love her anymore than I did at that moment.

Since doing my family tree and dealing with extended family situations, I realized that my family didn't "share" anything, but didn't have the problem of pointing fingers and blaming others. I have been raised to keep my life private, we don't discuss dirty secrets, we put the skeletons in the closet and hope no one looks, do not discuss our feelings, and never divulge our financial situation: gossipmongers. So, taking this step and introducing you to a small fragment of my life can be difficult at times. i have learned to speak with my children and loved ones, and now able to share in an attempt to help others.

I pick and chose what I am comfortable discussing. It is hard to verbally express my feelings, so I chose to put it in writing. Almost writing a biography. I am not ashamed of what I share, nor should I be critized by others for discussing certain topics. Just like a book, you can read the cover and decide if you want to continue to read it. At least I am not charging for my biography, so it isn't like you can't stop reading and feel you need a refund.

I am angry at myself for allowing that person's statement to bother me. If they are reading this article, please know that you caused me great distress. I could not sleep, my heart was heavy, and I had difficult breathing. It is called an anxiety attack. I have no reason to have anxiety; I have done nothing wrong. This is my journal, my struggle, my battle, my journey, and my choice to allow others in and share my story. It is a rare privilge that was given when I chose to share my struggles with others; my struggles are not open for criticism. It is your choice on whether or not you want to follow it, no one is forcing you. If anything, you should be ashamed for your criticism. I believe in strongly in Karma, so I pray that some day you or someone close to you does not have to ever experience a mental health issue. I highly doubt that you would open your mind, research, and attempt to be proactive versus reactive.

On that note, I chose to spend the rest of the night with the sweetest furbaby ever made. She has jumped into my lap with her little purr box and staring up at me with the most loving eyes. So now I turn my focus of loving her a putting aside my anxiety. We went to the living room and watched Magic Mike together. :) Yes, I am anticipating my mood to be much brighter very soon and may even become peaceful enough to fall asleep for a few hours since it is already 4:00 am. Today is not a day to unwind; house work, laundry, and an editorial project will get done together. Refuse to have my day ruined because someone doesn't understand my choice to share my journey.

 At 9am Samia and I laid down for a four hour nap. Stuff to do and cannot sleep the day away. Hot shower and in business mode. Mind you, I have a weight on my chest from stress: the editting of a book is really a full write with research and needs to be completed by Tuesday. It is a little more than I had anticipated, but at $25 hour, I have to put on my big girl panties and jump in. When I have big tasks I have to try and focus on the smaller portions which will actually come together in the end.

How do you handle large tasks that are overwhelming to you?

Bigelow Organic Green Tea with Pomegranate in hand. Jumping into my task at hand. Will check back later. Unless I have a major meltdown, then you will hear from me sooner.

Five hours later and I have a very nice rough draft. The weight of the task has been lifted since I broke the task in small pieces. Outline, research, type, proof read, take a break, return with fresh eyes to edit, and adding photos. The final rough draft will be what is shown for them to review.

Feeling accomplished. :)

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