I noticed that many people used the month of November for giving thanks to the things in their life. A person battling any type of mental health issue is thankful for the strength to just get out of bed each day.
On that note, I am using the month of December for a time of reflection on the daily blessings. These are the daily things that I have recognized as my joy; happy moments that I cherish. Consider this my journal for this month. On my blog site www.reflectionswithrhonda.com , I wrote about my experience with Lupus and mental health issues. My psychotherapist suggested I keep a journal on the moments of joy so that feeling can be recreated.
Journal Entry: December 4, 2012
I have noticed that over the past year I have been less intimate. Not just physically, but emotionally shut down and do not discuss my feelings. I know a lot of it has to do with my upbringing, but it also has to do with the wall I have been slowly building for the past 13 years.
Since my parents death in 2000, I have felt orphaned and could really only rely on myself. That is truly independence when you are suddenly the oldest living person of your family line: No grandparents, no parents, and children and grandchildren now looking to you. The wall was built to protect me from harm and focus on my responsibilities.
Since starting my blog page, I have opened up my mind and now just let my thoughts and experiences out in the open. It took for me to read another's blog page before I realized it is OK to speak about your experiences. Hopefully if she is following my Cherished Moments she will know it is her that I am speaking of. Thank you G.M. The stuff I post on social networks are bits and pieces of a puzzle; only what I want them to know and sometimes you may never know who or what I am referring too. However, my blog page is really me and no holds barred.
The reason I bring up intimacy is because it is really an important feature in relationships - all relationships. My children knew I loved them, but didn't really talk with them about me. I just went through the steps to raise them without really sharing all of me. When I started to sleep all day, had mood swings, etc. they were really confused and thought I was just being a crabby witch. My youngest was upset that I even stopped going to the gym. Mr. Man thought I had issues and was getting ready to walk away from my psychotic behavior. I was just angry and yelled a lot. I would have to sometimes give myself a reality check: run the situation and my reaction across my bestie to see if I over-reacted. She knows me very well and can play the Devils Advocate. :)
Yesterday, just speaking with my kids really opened my eyes and made me realize that they are getting old enough now where I can have a serious conversation and may not have to pretend everything is perfect. I know they still do not realize 100% what is going on with me, but at least they are no longer in the dark. As for many people, if they can't physically see that you have a medical condition, they are clueless and do not understand.
My emotional explosions and walls really damaged the relationship with Mr. Man. It is slowly improving each day. We talk and can horseplay in the morning and bed time which really helps relieve the tension and is creating a stronger bond.
I still have issues with the "intimate" side of our relationship. I don't know if it is because of my emotional rollercoaster or medication, but the sexual drive just isn't there any longer so that part of our relationship is almost non-existent. When it does happen, I still enjoy it. The hard part is just wanting to make the effort to want to participate. After a full day of work, taking care of things around the house, etc. I just want to be able to go to bed and sleep. I am physically and emotionally drained and really just want to be left alone.
There are times where I feel I can't unwind, relax and take care of me. I just get overwhelmed and feel like I am being pulled in many directions. Everyone always wants something: what are we going to eat? Did you do the laundry? Did you check the mail? Wash clothes? You catch my drift. The last thing I want is personal demands on my body when I am just wiped out from the day and would like to sleep, unwind, or just squeeze in a little me time.
I am blessed to have a significant person that is trying to be very understanding and sensitive to my needs. Even though he would very much like to have a consistent physical relationship, he is man enough to just lay next to me, talk, sooth me when I am an emotional wreck, and just be there with me. I feel guilty because I can't be "superwoman" and take care of everyone's needs at all times. My psychotherapist says I shouldn't feel that way and that I am entitled to "me" time and that I should take time to take care of me. If I don't take care of me, how can I take care of anyone else? Good point. However, as a parent, grandmother, and domestic partner, putting me first is easier said than done.
This is just a reflection that ran through my mind when I started typing. My rambling thoughts. I noticed that since being on this new dosage my mind wanders - a lot. I cannot keep focused on any one project: not cool when you are at work and just staring at a computer screen. My production sucks! So does my typing. I have also noticed that I may think of what needs to be typed, start typing, but the words are not coming out correct. Almost as if I had dyslexia. Even my thoughts are like that - scattered. There are even moments where I forget what I was saying in the middle of a conversation. When I am doing stuff around the house, I have multiple projects going on at the same time. Each time I enter/leave the room, I start a new task and finish when I return to the room. Mario keeps getting mad because I forget to lock the front door or leave the garage open. He takes our safety to the highest priority.
SCENARIO: I came home from Target to buy some groceries and wrapping paper. I unloaded one trip of groceries from the car and completely forgot that the trunk and garage door were open. I brought the items to the kitchen and left them in the bags so I could go upstairs and get the towels to put in the laundry. While in the laundry room, I started to fold some of the clothes that were brought down the night before and start picking up the family room. I went back to the kitchen to sweep the kitchen floor so I could mop. I put away some of the groceries and brought the lotion and an outfit up to my bedroom. Once in the bedroom I organized my jewelry and cleaned off the night stands. I brought the trash bag to the kitchen. I pulled out the trash can in the kitchen so I can stuff everything in one bag and put a new bag into the trash can. I put the rest of the groceries away. Once I swept the kitchen floor, I decided to clean out part of the sink and put cleaning stuff in it. I went up to the bathroom to get the cleaning products started. I scrubbed part of the toilet and returned to the kitchen where I finished cleaning out the sink and started to mop the floor. I returned to the bathroom and scrubbed the shower and finished the toilet. Went to the laundry room and switched over a load. Returned to the kitchen to finish mopping the floor, then vacuumed the dining room and stairs. I returned to the bathroom to clean the sink and the floor. Once done, I returned the kitchen to finish mopping the floor, clean the sink, and got my fruit/vegetables ready to be cleaned. Mario walked in the house and asked me why the trunk of the car and garage door were wide open. I had a blank look on my face, shrugged my shoulders, and told him I forgot. Then I went to the garage with him and remembered, "Mario, can you get the wrapping paper from the trunk?" Then I proceeded back the bathroom to clean the mirror.
That is my thinking at all times now. I am very productive, but in spurts that have no rhyme or reason.
Anyone else have ever have this feeling?
The reason for this scenario, I am at work now and can't focus. I am in a funky mood on top of it. Not happy, not sad, just blah. I am wishing I could crawl back into bed. No highlights yet to this day, outside of my playfulness with Mario this morning. I would share what we do in the morning, but you may think we are just nasty, yet it brings joy to the start of our day.
WTH! Let's share.
Each morning Mario enters the bathroom to sit on the toilet> he has his behind trained. Usually he waits until I am brushing my teeth, but I caught on and now let the dog out and feed the pets before returning to our space. I then catch him with the killer morning breath. Our morning is ill-mannered, based on bodily functions in addition to teasing. That is our morning schedule. No grumpiness, just some down to earth bodily functions to laugh over before starting our day. :)
Anyone else have a morning routine that makes them smile?
I had to smile later in the afternoon. camaraderie. Everyone is now reading the attendance policy that our company is putting in place. A lot of grumbling going on and share opinions. If we wanted to work in a factory and punched in and out for everything, we would have worked in one. I feel like I fit in and absolutely normal!
Hmmm. Not sure if I should still be mad or smile. My son just called and said he skipped his last two classes of the day. It is the first day of the trimester and not much gets done in school today. Yes, I am glad he told on himself and scolded him. Even reminded him not to do it again. He agreed and offered to take me to dinner. Honesty and Dinner: smiling. :)
Today has left me severely worn out. The emotional rollercoaster is worse than jogging 10 miles. lol After I finish cleaning my fruits and veggies for tomorrow's juice, I am taking my pitiful self to bed.
Hope everyone has a wonderful evening.