Cherished Moments: Time Bomb

I noticed that many people used the month of November for giving thanks to the things in their life.  A person battling any type of mental health issue is thankful for the strength to just get out of bed each day.

On that note, I am using the month of December for a time of reflection on the daily blessings.  These are the daily things that I have recognized as my joy; happy moments that I cherish.  Consider this my journal for this month.  On my blog site www.reflectionswithrhonda.com , I wrote about my experience with Lupus and mental health issues.  My psychotherapist suggested I keep a journal on the moments of joy so that feeling can be recreated.

Journal Entry:  December 12, 2012

My evening wasn't as bad once I cleaned the kitchen and unwound.  My child was sweet enough to buy me Buffalo Wild Wings and held a conversation with me.  Mr. Man went grocery shopping, then cuddled on the couch and watched the rest of Cowboys vs. Aliens with me.  It is a great feeling to have another be your backbone when yours seems to be slipping.

So today I won the fight to get out of bed and face whatever today brings; even the crabby patty child that obviously did not get good rest last night.  He gets a pass because he is sick.  I acknowledged he was sick and, therefore, was able to ignore his attitude.  I am glad I did, because he sent me a text telling me "I love you mom."  Nothing is more sweeter than your sick, crabby son realizing he was a butt and send you a sweet text.

Today was my first appointment with my psychiatric clinical nurse specialist.  I guess I am not shocked by her diagnosis: psychotic. The term psychosis is very broad and can mean anything from relatively normal aberrant experiences to schizophrenia and bipolar type 1 disorder. 

Since I hear voices I am bordering on schizophrenia, but the voices don't tell me to do anything to harm myself or others.  I see things and tend to feel things, so I also have symptoms of bi-polar with tendencies of rage but am not suicidal or homicidal.  The psychiatric clinical nurse specialist has me scheduled for several appointments for psychological testing.

I was very upset and angry once she told me what she thought brought on these symptoms.  Due to chemical imbalance in the brain it causes "flashbacks" of feelings and emotions from your past.  I was so angry I wanted to cry; felt like a fist gripping my heart.  How could something from 35 years ago have this much impact on my present life?  If/when I see this family member again, I will not be responsible for my actions as I do not think I will be able to control myself from attacking this person.  I am to stay on my current medication with an added bonus of Risperdal to work on the brain.

Risperdal is an antipsychotic medication. It is an "atypical antipsychotic". It works by changing the effects of chemicals in the brain.

Risperdal is used to treat schizophrenia and symptoms of bipolar disorder (manic depression). It is also used in autistic children to treat symptoms of irritability.

Risperdal may also be used for purposes other than those listed in this medication guide.

I really liked this psychiatric clinical nurse specialist, she put me right at ease and even shared a traumatic experience that happened in her home.  She did this so I would not feel guilty for not noticing "signs" my children may have displayed, but I didn't pick up on them due to lack of knowledge. 

She also said that a paranormal person would insist I have ghosts.  If that is the case it followed me from house to house. lol  Then stated if a spiritualistic person heard what I said, they would insist I have a demon.  I told her I thought about calling Gary Spivey.  She said I can call Gary, but make sure I take my meds.  She is medical and I have a psychosis that needs to be treated with medication. lol

As I told the psychiatric clinical nurse specialist, I am pretty easy.  Just tell me what you want me to do; I just want to be able to function again.

Remind me to thank Colleen Halley, my psychotherapist, for referring me someone who can relate to me.  :)

So, not to share Mr. Man's personal issues, but he called me after he finished his appointment.  Needless to say, the doctor conquered with my diagnosis of him as he is now being placed on medication.  :)  I told him so, but he didn't believe me.  He thought it would put me in a good mood by telling me I was right.  Now everyone in our home is on some type of prescription medication.  Now I don't feel like the red-headed stepchild.

With so much on my plate with my medical diagnosis, work seemed to fly by without anything strange.  Knock on wood.  I even set up an appointment with my manager to explain what is going on and the number of appointments required.  Now if I can just keep them straight.  In the past I would come to work, she would look at me and say "I thought you were going to be late for an appointment."  Guess what?  She would be right; missed appointment. 

A mind is a terrible thing to lose.

The pain in my chest is no longer present.  But, my anger is still seething beneath the surface waiting to be unleashed by the offending party.  I am even mad at myself because my brain is allowing something from my past to haunt me in my present.  

Bad chemical imbalance in the brain; go to your room this minute! 

It is very important to be honest with your doctor at all times; do not be afraid of what they tell you.  If you are confused, ask questions.  If the medication doesn't quite work, let them know and try another.  Never give up.  The goal is the end result of you feeling like yourself again.  Live life to the fullest.

How do you handle shocking news?